Finally Today

What do you think of my story so far?

Kara McAlister was your average 13-year-old girl. She had locks of wispy, golden hair that fell at her shoulders. She had aqua blue braces, and had a desire to fit in. She wished for designer clothing and she played sports with her peers. She went to a public school; she had a family, a family of a mom, a dad, a sister and a brother. Kara’s life was perfect until fantasy met reality. It was a perfect Sunday morning in November. The sun was shining and the Florida heat beamed down on her shoulders. Kara walked down the stairs lazily at 10:00 a.m. and greeted her sister, Gracie Rose and her brother Owen. Owen was 9-years-old and had short brown hockey hair. He was much more mature than the other kids in his grade therefore he had great respect from his classmates that looked up to him. Gracie Rose was 2-years-old and was a spitting image of Kara. She laughed loudly and adored life like no other child. She wore dresses and sang songs, frolicked in the sun and beach bathed. Kara lifted Gracie Rose into her highchair and gave her a handful of dry cereal. Kara joined her mother and father at the dining table and Owen tagged along behind. Mitch, Kara’s father, was reading the Whittaker Times, the Sunday newspaper. Everyone was enjoying their breakfast when Mitch’s jaw fell. Lacey, Kara’s mother, tapped Mitch on the shoulder and asked impatiently, “What’s wrong, dear?” Mitch couldn’t move. Kara snatched the newspaper out of his hands and set it on the table. “Dad, why do you have that blank look on your face?” asked Kara. Mitch couldn’t do anything but point at the Whittaker Times lying in front of Kara. Kara curiously skimmed the article Mitch was reading and she began to laugh, “Dad, do you seriously believe this bologna?” Mitch nodded. The article that he was reading said that fantasy would become reality. An unidentified object was steering clear towards Earth at an outrageous speed and that we only had days to live. Kara shook her head in disbelief. Lacey even chuckled a bit at how much Mitch had believed the lie. Mitch rose from the table and cleared his plate. He then returned to the table to find Lacey and Kara laughing hysterically at his belief. “Stop!” Mitch cried. Gracie Rose started crying. “It’s all true. All of it. The Earth is ending and we only have one day left to live,” Mitch explained. “But--,” Kara began. “No, listen to me,” Mitch interrupted, “When I was 9 your grandfather, a space engineer, told me everything he knew about the future. He told me everything I know today. He told me the next time to look for a comet, and everything he told me has come true. He even told me his secret he wouldn’t share with anyone else. He knew the day that the world would end. He trusted me with his secret and now they’ve predicted it.” He kissed Gracie Rose on her forehead and walked out of the room. Lacey shook her head no. Kara shook it off and walked upstairs. When Kara arrived at her room she picked up her pinkish, red cell phone and gave her best friend Adam a call. “Hey, Kara!” Adam said once he answered the phone, “What’s up?” “Oh, not much. Want to hang out today?” Kara answered. “Yeah, sounds fun I’ll be right over!” Adam explained. Adam had dark brown hair, he and Kara had known each other since birth. He wore casual clothing and secretly had a major crush on Kara. When Adam arrived Kara took his hand and told him they were going for a walk. “Umm, okay,” Adam said. Kara asked, “So did you see that article about the world ending? Looks pretty official doesn’t it?” “Nah, dad and I don’t believe that kind of lies,” Adam explained. “Oh, really?” asked Kara. “Really,” answered Adam. Kara explained her dad’s dramatic explanation and the both of them sat on the swings and laughed. Adam walked Kara home in the dark, and they said their goodbyes. The next morning Kara rolled out of bed at 6 a.m. to get ready for what was supposedly her last day of school. The whole family had a formal breakfast and Kara’s dad, mom, and siblings dropped her off at Hemingway Middle School. Kara walked into the gray building next to her close friends Macy and Adam. They talked about their evenings and shared their dreams in detail with each other. When Kara arrived at first hour of the school day all her class could talk about was the world coming to an end when the Earth quaked. Kids screamed and ducked down underneath their desks. The door flew open and the ceiling began to cave in. The sky turned dark as night and Kara prayed. Kara was stuck under her desk waiting for the world to end. Everyone in her classroom was silent and the oxygen level was decreasing. It had been over an hour, Kara figured if the world was going to end then she might as well get up and finish her life as well as she could. Kara crawled out from beneath her desk and look around. Lifeless kids lay all around her. A tear dripped from Kara’s blue eyes and she walked quietly over to her teacher, Mrs. Carson’s des desk. There she lay, lifeless with no heartbeat and her soul was lifted from her body. Kara prayed. She ran out of her classroom only to find many other lifeless bodies lying in the hallways when she heard footsteps running. She chased the sound and saw Adam’s long hair flip while he was running. “Adam!” Kara screamed, “You’re alright!” Kara ran to Adam and wrapped her arms around his broad shoulders. Adam pet Kara’s head and whispered in her ear, “it’s going to be alright. I’m here for you.” Kara could no longer hold back the heavy tears that drown her eyes. She yelped and let her tears run wild. “We need to go to the elementary and the day care and find the kids,” Kara cried. Adam took Kara’s hand and they rushed out of the building.

Public Comments

1. Nice job- I think that could be published if it becomes longer.
2. Wow! This is really good; I hope you continue to write it. I can't wait to see what happens next! (:
3. It was good. I think you should elaborate more during the beginning. You should double check your grammer. The line, “Dad, why do you have that blank look on your face?”, it doesn't sound natural. But, that just might be me. I suppose it is almost like Kara should be internally thinking it rather than saying it aloud. But, anyway, it was good.
4. wow! that's great! Only one critique though... No, listen to me,” Mitch interrupted, “When I was 9 your grandfather, a space engineer, told me everything he knew about the future. He told me everything I know today. He told me the next time to look for a comet, and everything he told me has come true. He even told me his secret he wouldn’t share with anyone else. He knew the day that the world would end. He trusted me with his secret and now they’ve predicted it.” He kissed Gracie Rose on her forehead and walked out of the room. It starts out great but the it just ends with "He kissed Gracie Rose on her forehead and walked out of the room." You should end with something more dramatic. But otherwise it is great!