Finally Today

I need opinions on this first little bit of my new novel?

Tell me what you think ;) 1994 It was a rainy June morning in Miami, Florida. My mother was fixing me a bowl of cereal in the kitchen. I sat quietly in my seat at the table awaiting my breakfast.This day was my fourth birthday, the day I'd been looking forward to for what seemed ever only now it didn't matter. I wasn't your average four year oldI wasprobably wiser than some adults andknew far more thanI should for my age. My father was seated at the kitchen table starring upon the newpaper while sipping from his steaming mug of black uncreamed coffee. I can only vaguley remember his appearence it's been so long since I last saw him.The feature I remember most thoroughly about him was his eyes, they were the strangest colour you could possibley imagine. Strange but remarkably beautiful, they were a vivid electric blue. The iris' seemed to be alive, sparked with life, yet today drowned in some sort of misterious sorrow. I could tell this and I was only four years of age he was completley and utterly worried about something. The sudden and urgent change in his looks scared me sensless. I knew nothing could worry my father enough to show such massive amounts of such an emotion, unless these emotions pertained to either I or my mother. We were the only things capable of pursuing such misery upon him, he was easily severly worried about us. Not only could I find worry on my fathers face but among my mothers aswell. Hers held a different sort of worry though, hers held the worry of my future, and my fathers. I had the immedient sence that my mother knew onlya fraction of what was about to happen in the next few hours. I knew nothing. As morning slowly evaporated into the afternoon so did the time I had left with my mother and father. My father didn't remove his eyes from the newspaper once, they stayed carefully binded to the small black text. I remember walking up to him and grasping his unnaturely stone cold hands in mine and asking him what was the matter. His only response was a small meaningfulkiss on the cheek, and a forced small grimaced smile. Finaly the moment came where he pulled me into his embrace along with my erratic mother and kissed us farewell. He murmered the words 'I love you and I'm sorry.' Through each tearless sob thatengaged through his young yet ancient muscular body. I stayed quiet to in shock to do anything else, I was young and had no control over what would happen next. I was unsure of my future and clueless of what was occuring in the present. My tears and my mother's drenched each others and my fathers shirts and with one last tearless cry he pulledout from the embrace. To answer the dreaded phone call, the one that would change my life. He'd been expecting it though wishing the time would never come. They found us. We knew it the night before when we saw someone shuffleing in the back yard. Soon the men dressed in dark clothing began invading our house. The loud burst of shattering glass and sharp crack of snapping wood played out in my ears. I began to cry as my toys were crushed and the loud sounds of gunshotsbeing fired, filtered through the air. My mother held me in her arms and began sprinting for the door only to be stopped by a man with a loaded gun. I watched as my fathers hands danced with flames and striked his opponents body. A man flew intoa wall knocking down my mother's lovely english china, it bursting on the floor. Shards of broken glass clung to my pale bare arms. I cryed out again though I couldn't feel the pain. My fine wavy blonde hair clung to my face with the moisture of my tears. One of the men, the leader, kicked down my father from behind, his own hands lighting up with vibrant flame. With in seconds, five of the seven men were pinning him harshly to the hard white lenolium floor of the porch. The two final gun shots rang and pierced my ears with such a sharp effect I could barely keep my eyes from closing. My father slumped fartherinto the ground and my mother cryed out his name in agony reaching out towards him. His lifeless eyes starred back at us, as the men in black hauled his limp body through the door and away from us forever. I could barely makeout the two other men approaching us through my tear blurred vision. My mom held me tightly in her arms holding me to her chest. She didn't sob like I, she faced the enemy with courageous eyes. But she wasn't strong like the men and my father were, they were different, much stronger than she. My mom backed up against the kitchen counter as they got closer....and closer. The nearer they got the closer I was to blacking out. The serrated blade of a blood painted bludgeon scraped across the nape of my neck. I didn't scream, didn't cry I accepted it. What was the point of crying? screaming? I was going to die anyways. One of the men lifted his lips in an evildeviouscrooked smileand plunged the knifeinto mymother's temple. Her screamwas muffled by the other man's hand. The man still smilin by the way I just turned fourteen years old ;)

Public Comments

1. OMG this is amazing!!! AWESOME!!!
2. Wow...very, um...well. I don't really know what to say about it so far. It's a dark beginning, that's for sure. If it were a book that I had started reading, I would definitely continue on and want to know what happened.
3. You made multiple spacing and spelling errors, but I could still understand what you were trying to say. There are a few comma's that need to be added, but all in all, it's still an AMAZING story. It didn't grab me at the beginning, but as I read further it became juicier and juicer. I loved it, but I'm not saying I like horror :D Keep writing, I'd love to read more of this.